Tuesday, 25 August 2009

I thought I'd seen everything ...

WARNING!!! THIS POST CONTAINS, ER, 'EXPLICIT' MATERIAL. NOT SAFE FOR WORK.
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18+ ONLY (I GUESS)
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This blog isn't strictly about books. It's not even strictly about films. It's about anything artistic or creative or anything that takes my interest. What I'm about to talk about made my jaw hit the floor.
I'm referring, of course, to this (click for picture) - The Twilight Dildo! Now you can really know what it's like to have Edward Cullen ... y'know. Oh, God.

It sparkles - just like Edward's would ... if he was real ... which he's not - stop kidding yourself. I see this thing in two scenarios which involve the true hardcore Twihards (Not the 'Oh, *gush*gush* Edward and Bella's story is so romantic' ones, but the batshit crazy ones who stalk Pattinson and ask him to bite them.)

Scenario 1 - The 'Middle-Aged housewife who takes charge of the stalking parties' - "Oh, Edward - do it to me before my husband comes home. I always knew you'd come for me."

Scenario 2 - The 'Tween/Teen - "Oh, Edward, I always knew you'd be my first."

In the case of Scenario 2, this thing will leave a lot to be answered for when said user finally finds a real man and wonders why his thing ain't sparkling. Oh, yeah, and you can also stick it in the fridge apparently - It gets it nice and cold ... for that 'authentic' experience.

Forgive me for being so cynical - it's not the books or films that bring it out in me. It's the mass hysteria that surrounds them.

I'm hoping they get Pattinson on a show like Graham Norton's to promote his non-Twilight film - Norton's the kind of host who would take out this thing and have Pattinson confront it.

Oh, btw, in case you are thinking of getting one, it's called 'The Vamp'. (We wouldn't want Stephenie Meyer to sue now, would we?)  

3 comments:

Violet said...

haha...great post. I love Twilight and I love the fictional Edward, but not Pattinson. But yes, the hysteria is enough to put you off it :)

Taschima Cullen said...

OMG SERIOUSLY!! WTF?!?!?!?!

This has gotten WAY out of hand O.O

Ceri said...

Violet - I love Pattinson (loved him in 'The Bad Mother's Handbook' - this TV film that came out a few years ago. I loved the book and Pattinson was perfectly cast to blame the geeky 'Daniel' character.) I hate him in Twilight. The film was so full of cheese and I didn't like the first book. I loved the second book and look forward to New Moon but I think, because they're targeting the series at such young, naive idiots, it might end up being quite a disappointment.

Tasch - I totally agree. :-D